More than midnight meditations 

I try to focus on my breathing when the thought of you bubbles to the surface in my mind
I tell myself
Let this thought pass

It will pass

You are in control
But with each shallow breath I feel as if I am denying a reality Drowning a lively animal

Drowning a lively animal

legs thrashing

Heart pumping against wet skin

It’s will to live cannot be ignored
Just breathe

 

It’s not alive

 

Stay on the surface

It is just as real as the qualms of life that lurks beneath
Let the thoughts pass

Like film stills in your mind

They cannot harm you

They are only words and images

Only regressing hopes and anxious plans
Let yourself become so exhausted you will surrender to irrational images like autocorrections we are too lazy too change

Like yesterday night

When you were so empty you didn’t have the exertion to build up damns to block neurotic streams of consciousness
Your mind is one step ahead of the overseer

I am watching my experience happen

I am only my awareness

I am not my thinking voice but the one who listens
My psyche is an ocean

Something’s are better left at the bottom

Not in the hands of scientists

It is what it was

That species has been studied

Stop hoping for a novel discovery

You know exactly what you are holding

 

Leave him to the water

And your dreams to the Freudians
And I hate when you bubble up to the surface of my mind

Know your place you foolish insipid boy

Eventful Weekend – Monday Recap

I had an eventful weekend. On thursday i went to go see a friends band. i didnt know many people there, only knew of them. had seen them being cool and creative on instagram. i will know them better eventually, or maybe i wont and thats fine. anyways i got drunk talked to an acquaintance/friend that ended up coming and her friends. and the friend i went to see.

how do i judge what a friend is vs an acquaintance? i guess the definition of my relationships with people change on circumstance – not drastically, i will try not to be an enemy of theirs if everyone else is. but there is a range of exaggeration and a range of values. i think everyone does this. when i associate myself with others because we go to the same events, enjoy the same kind of things, and probably for other mental reasons (because i think we are similar on aesthetic or humorous dimensions… etc.) i will exaggerate our relationship this happens especially when meeting new people – you want to associate yourself with a larger group to define your qualities.

i notice myself doing this and sometimes feel insincere for overstating. i think this is done for the sake of simplicity – we could all go into detail about our relationship dynamics we have with others but that is not a norm and too complex. i think also detailing – or maybe focusing on – our relations to other people is a lazy way to try and connect with someone. because it is just a gateway to something deeper that is – what is it that you like to do and how do you feel about that. or you guys can bond over some shared story or someone’s personality-mythology that is well established. so maybe its not all that harmful, its just a reassuring way to imply we are part of a similar in-group and thus might have the same interests/attitudes, and mutuality of friends/interests gives one a reason to talk to someone too.

dont demonize it. it is natural.

anyway since high school ive learned a bit more how to not be a fucking idiot when im drunk. i dont try to put myself in spotlights anymore or try to flirt and fuck a lot of people. im just tryna chill in the background and establish connections that way. maybe i feel like there is more at stake in this new social group and that is why i do this – cause i care more about what these strangers think of me. i am not necessarily complaining, this regulation isnt a bad thing.

norms are not bad things, people who get angry when i want to discuss them tend to think i think that they are bad because i am doubting them. but my doubt comes from a place of curiosity and absurdity. and sometimes just plain fear too, like why are we acting this way?? why was this taught to us??? the fear more comes from probably a place of doubt in my own abilities to act in the norms boundaries. but also for an inquisitive investigation of where our behaviour came from? is it in our evolutionary nature? and if so how has it been transformed and expressed across time and place but boils down to essentially the same elements? or is it socially learned by our culture and it has just been enacted and established out of arbitrary chance? probably both and then some.

i am bad at condensing my thougts and staying on topic!

on friday i went to the same music venue – the smiling Buddha –

Realizations – July 12

i am pretty tired right now.

i think i have a low standard for tired. maybe the whole world just works like this in the morning. whack.

ill be high functioning one day.

i slept over a friends. we were hanging at the moonshine cafe. met 2 friends from mac there. I’m trying not to look back and analyze everything. i am really trying. every time the thought comes up i know i am avoiding it and i just try to think of something else or focus on breathing. and then the thought gets buried under other shit.

I’m starting to realize we are so used to going to places in our minds. we travel the hallways we know very well, looking for all the different answers to the same question. but i want to change the question i ask myself. i don’t want to ask “who is powerful here? do these people like me? what did i do wrong/well? what signs did other people give me that indicate my social failure or success? did i fulfill or exceed peoples expectations of me?”

so used to these places. and the questions are not always that blatantly asked in my mind. in fact they are not even asked at all. answers just keep coming up to these unasked questions. these unasked questions are camouflaged in the way i think.

so I’m trying not to ask them. trying to re-contextualize the way i interpret situations. how about… did i act in line with my values?

did i do my best to foster meaningful connection? did i make other feel included? was i brave? did i make decisions i was proud of? was i sincere? compassionate?

i think i can change the way i think. it will just take some time. another helpful thing i am realizing is heuristics.

if i put myself in situations that foster not only good qualities that align with my values but ones that challenge me to be mindful and focused, thinking clearly and in the present moment will become easier because of how cognitively available experiences like this are in my memory.

i think this is the root of low self-esteem. i do not put myself in enough situations to challenge and bring out my good qualities. i have been blaming this on the absence of a friend group recently. but i cannot any longer. i am responsible for myself.

i have just generated a belief about myself that sometimes deters me from accessing these opportunistic situations. i was even thinking that maybe i have avoided being in groups often because i hate who the group brings out in me, someone is is periodically dumb, silly, doing anything for a joke, the butt of jokes. maybe i am exaggerating.

i think of past friendships. especially ones with my smarter friends and i think that they did sometimes see me in this way, but maybe they also saw me as compassionate, and understanding, curious, adventurous..

I don’t really know who i am. which is kind of annoying because i should have at least some idea of my personality by now. i could list things. they are only tendencies though.

i was raised in a loving household which is probably why i am so trusting and adventurous when it comes to sharing myself to other people (ex: public speaking/performing). i can thank my parents for this.

i am also distrusting of others but that is another story.

i have a responsibility to myself to create better situations for myself. i also have a responisbility to others. my friend who came out with me claims they dont feel emotion. but i saw it in them. they laughed (genuinely), they got stage fright and anxious, they smiled, they worried about their apperance. they are on the emotional spectrum and i have to prove it to them. by gently fostering more situations with them for them to have enough mundane experiences to believe that they are not acting or immitating everything they have been taught.

they were not born like this. or maybe they were and we all are taught. emotions are socially learned, or maybe the are within us but the ways we use to express them are socially learned. and maybe my friend is just too aware of this human truth. i admire and fear the way she feels about the world. i admire it because i think she has an existential point about learning through immitation and thus living through immitation. but i fear it because of how she is so deterministic about the inability to connect and bond. maybe i fear it even more because on some level i think she is right (not about herself but about the human condition in general).

but no. i have felt bonded to people. i have felt connected. but only in moments. but how often do those moments arise when im with other people? i think they arise the most with friends. and i will never always feel connected to people all the time, but i have to remember that i have had connections in the past and that they are accessible. keep the people around in your life who this comes easily and naturally with. friendship and relationships are a constant maintenance.

lessons in sexuality

a quick biography of a sexual being

a detailing of undignified sexcapades as i try to find the line between sexuality and sexualization

 

2017

i’m not as angry or disappointed when boys don’t text me back

or when they do

i get circumstantial crushes

when i’m feeling

bored

or pretty

 

when i think of something funny and have no one to tell

all my crushes and likings happened out of the sake of vanity

to convince myself that i am x when i have only known myself as y

only once have i gotten lost in a boys depths

but that was before all this

 

i am so easily beguiled by my own projection of what boys could be

never an actuality

I’ve only ever loved loose fiction created in the space of my mind where everyone’s face is blurry

the spot where fantasies are grounded not in actual memory or quality but in hazy snippets of recounted moments and unfulfilled wishes

in the murky well with an aching desire to be intuitively understood

 

first year 2015

 

semester 1

i fuck because i love the attention

the narrative of the chase

the doubts if it was mutual

the skillful texts back and forth that meant so much at the time

a sloppy checker game of censorship and deception

 

or none of that

 

blowing a guy in the corner of a hallway 2 minutes after he drunkenly mistaken me for someone else until i snap out of my stupor

i see him on campus sometimes buying breakfast

i wonder if he recognizes me

 

i learned that i was using my body in the wrong way

because i didn’t want sex

i wanted disclosures and compassion and meaning

i was trying to achieve all this from the outside in

 

semester 2

i lose an important friend

and I’m back to that everyday practical kind of loneliness

the absence of humour and mundane gossip, the lonely trips to the cafe, quietly unpacking other people’s psyches by myself

 

i start looking for guys again

from the club i bring back a boy who thinks the way i order pizza is funny

who tells me my tits look good when I’m sitting up on the cold metal of the bleachers

who calls me a bitch when i am rude to a guy that wants to fuck my friend really bad

we talk for a little while but he’s obsessed with getting a job in china and we stop

and i feel envious he has better priorities

 

i meet a guy who “psychoanalyzes” me and tells me I’m insecure

i have to laugh

“is it that fucking obvious?”

i listen to him mansplain feminism to me and blow him in the bathroom

he picks me up in his parents car the following monday

there is a whole other poem about that

 

i see him for a while

i tell him i don’t want to have sex because that is the only tangible thing i have to give and after that i fear i will have nothing left

he says whatever, he will just masturbate after i leave

it may not sound like it, but he actually does like me

 

at the time, i didnt learn much, i think i am just bad at monogamy

but now i can see this desire to not be around him was a budding dislike for the character of my self-proclaimed psychoanalyst

 

i leave town for the summer

and slide between idealizing him and indifference

 

second year 2016

semester 1

i come back to university

and i really wanna see my psychoanalyst and give him a chance

but I’m too prideful to reach out

and so i send him subtle signals via instagram stories

one picture of freud’s civilization and its discontents and he’s texting me again

 

he comes over to my place to “fix my chair”

he doesn’t fix my chair

 

he comes over every week to not fix my chair

this goes on for months

 

our sex is amazing but I’m starting to think i can’t uphold his relationship solely with my body

i am looking for something else within him that he can’t give me

 

i had been subtly trying to sneak my personality into our time together

only to have the nonchalantly important parts of me – how i tell a story (very factual like a child), how interesting my inner life is (my experiences are boring), the qualities of my humour (nonexistent) – rejected

i start to feel less like myself

 

i start to feel cruel and resentful towards him and i want to cause him pain

i feel so submissive that i take on a quality of inflated dominance expressed through meanness

when i am with him i am coated in a thick shell

he deeply disappoints and annoys me

how immature he is when it comes to proving his points, how self-assured his pessimism is, how he believes himself to be superior over laymen cause he reads nietzche and david foster wallace

this is not what i want

and i end it, almost unintentionally

he leaves defensively, blaming my insecurities

and i almost believe him

 

a month passes

 

he returns after my birthday with an apology

i was right he says, he belittled me, he didn’t appreciate me

i see how tender and fragile he is in that moment

i want to kiss him but i don’t

we lay in my bed and talk until my class starts

he leaves me a letter

I’m seeing another guy, but my heart (or my neural network) is attached to psychoanalyst

 

i go back

i feel bored, unheard, annoyed

i break up with him over the phone

he freaks out

 

i learned to never just stay in a millenial-fucking-but-not-dating-but-sometimes-going-on-dates type of thing for the sex

if you want something more and you are not receiving it, listen to you intuitions

what do your intuitions sound like?

ask yourself how you feel around this person, do they bring out the better of yourselves?

or the basic question, do you like their qualities?

do you want to be with them because of how they are or who you imagined them to be?

what do you really want?

can you communicate that with them? do you think its even possible to develop something with them?

 

post-psychoanalyst

i learned that sex is pretty overrated

and now i am trying to keep it on the periphery

i used to be drawn to being sexual because of what it entailed

when my sexualization when accepted and encouraged by the other, i felt empowered, i felt reassure that i was indeed, worthy of a fuck

i am slowly getting over that, maybe because I’ve had a fair bit of experience of people validating me to be a fuck-able person

and i still find myself quick to have sex

and thinking about sex in almost every single context

i theorize that this comes from a place of the social anxiousness i feel in the world

and a fundamental belief that i am not worthy to be accepted and approved by others

and so when i think of people having sex, or me having sex, it is a way for me to re-contextualize my worth

“i have the ability to make people feel good with my body” i reduce sex down to physicality when i have these thoughts which is why i still have them in taboo situations

but i realize how wrong this is

 

 i cannot only have stable self-esteem in the area of sex

i need to know my worth of my more intangible qualities

my intelligence, humour, and sensitivity – what these can bring to people

the problem is, having sex, and being validated sexually is just so damn easy

its the instant gratification of validating qualities. it takes less mental energy to skip the troubles of getting to know someone, to send nudes, to imagine myself fucking, than it does to attempt to exercise my internal characteristics

 

Dece Fucked – July 7th

I am starting an online stats course and i’m starting to realize somethings. I can’t figure out were I went wrong for the most stupid lesson. Like we are not even doing summation yet, it’s just a goddamn frequency table and I feel like a massive idiot. I’m starting to think my personality type just isn’t conducive to success. Successful people are contentious, paying attention to every detail. They have industry to keep trying again and again. I mean, I’m going to try again but i dont think ill figure it out.

This sounds like anxious irrational thoughts. Are they? I don’t think not getting a math question means im going to fail my whole life no… but i do think getting a math question speaks to skills that are foundational to success and self-esteem. That is: perseverance, concentration, good judgement, attention to detail, problem solving. I feel lacking in all that shit. I do not have a clear mind, i am bad at problem solving. The last time i solved a problem and felt good about it was the most mundane thing ever.

I was working at tim’s and I was changing the milk bag. i was supposed to stabilize the long tube to the machine so when i cut the tube the milk wouldnt go everywhere. But i didnt do that. So I cut the tube and the milk went fckn everywhere. I was working with someone and we had to solve a problem i created. i took a red straw and shoved it up the tube then pinched the remainder of the straw and the milk temporarily stopped.

and thats the last time i successfully problem solved. i think about that a lot.

i just feel like a real royal idiot. i hardly problem solve in my everyday life. i just distract myself from problems. maybe this is why i feel like shit all the time. i am in a shit place in the moment right now. what would a smart person do? probably get this dumb math question right away… okay what would an industrious person do? idk figure this shit out. not move on until they did. they would NOT open up their word press to rant.

god i feel like an idiot. woo for positive self talk…………..

 

 

June 25 but it’s really 2 am 

I find myself thinking about a little life when I am not reading it so I want to read it more slowly so that I can think about it more. 

I dreamt about the characters last night. I was worried that because I wasn’t dreaming about the book I wasn’t enjoying it. So I am glad that my subconscious has reassured me that I am indeed, liking my book. I also dreamt of other strange things. Strange vivid things that I cannot recount without haze and regret of not recording. 

Dream Reminants 

A vacation. A crowded beach. Fixing my bathing suit top in wavy water. A wave pool. A mirror on the wall. The daunting corner of the wave pool covered in shade. 

A sort of monster that takes over people. One of th trying to get into my apartment. A collective chaos outside. Realizing that I am one of the monsters. One of the ones that didn’t know but can control and turn into one. 

                                        –

I feel very alone. I feel like I have a hard time connecting with people. Even those who are supposed to be closest to me. I have a hard time being playful. Following along. I often feel obtuse. I don’t know if I am justified in feeling this or not. Is this perpetual dullness a by product of my intellectual laziness? Is this happening because I don’t stimulate myself enough? I think it is honestly part of it. And that other people are in fact, actually interpreting me in this way. Someone dull. Someone who escapes to the corners the hallways of conversations. Someone avoidant. This is in part because I literally sometimes do not have the capacity within me to articulate anything. And sometimes I feel private and secretive about my personal life cause I feel like all my relationships are so ambiguous. And I don’t want to tell people about this inescapable ambiguity towards everyone because I feel that strangeness around the person. Maybe not as I am talking with them but I have felt it other times. And besides, this kind of anxiousness about chemistry and smooth interaction is embarrassing. This is something that people do not worry about. Especially with their loved ones. This is not a problem people. Or maybe it is. It just makes me feel alienated and honestly like a failure. Social situations get to me. Every little gesture counts. And maybe the solution is not to find someone in which the sum of our gestures and words is large enough to convince me that this is a relationship free of awkwardisms. Maybe the solution is to ride them out. But how much should i be talking with someone. 

I love my talkative self. I love expressing myself. That is when I feel like I have the freedom to do so. When I have good reason to think that whatever I say will be tolerated and even interesting to the other person and if not the later it wouldn’t matter. I like to talk when I get positive feedback. When it is just another listening or probing – inrtrigued in me as a person. Does this sound narcissistic? I love to talk when the other can also be vulnerable. When they can take up space. When we can connect through what we express. When we have meaningful interaction I guess is what I want to say. 

I think I hate expressing myself when I feel ambiguous and dull. I always have the choice to express myself, but I don’t like doing it when I am unclear about how I feel about something or someone (or maybe when I know how I feel but don’t want to feel what I’m feeling). I don’t like to talk when I feel uninspired. When I feel self absorbed on my thoughts. 

I’ve been treating my problem in this way. Develop more ways you can feel secure in your beliefs so you don’t feel so unprepared in social situations. Develop an opinion about something for the same reason. And this is a. It disheartening. Because as I (tentatively) try to fill my time with stimulating activities, I can’t help but sometimes feel that I get no value from what I am doing. That I am just doing these things because it will help me in another area of my life. No pleasure. Just prep. What an unfournate way to look at conversing. I wished connection came easier. I wish I was better at light and fluffy small talk. 

I respect introversion and the ability to energize ones self. I feel sometimes cursed to be an extrovert. To need other people’s energy. To crave that chemistry, in order to feel normal. In order to feel good. I feel like a deficient extrovert. And when I am socially deficient, I feel alone. I feel often like I am missing such an essential part of being human: banal conversations, joking around with people, bantering, whatever. 

It’s so embarrassing to admit that I feel like I’m lacking in these skills because of how essential they are. Because of how mindless they are to other people. 

But objectively. I am lonely. I can peer into my life and see that I don’t get a lot of social stimulation. I don’t get social practice. And I have been blaming myself. And maybe I am right to do so. Because I haven’t felt like I belong to a particular social group in years. The ones I did, I wasn’t respected, and I want truly known. I have also been intellectually deficient too. This must also be influencing how sharply I interact with the world. 

I don’t want to be my timid shy self. Sometimes when I am around people who bring this self out in me for whatever reason I want to explode. 

Doomed to Loneliness or Maybe Just June

I get little pangs of sadness when I see ex’s doing well. Ok, not sadness, I am not cruel, I want them to be happy in their endeavors. But more so envious. I get jealous of their happiness, of the lives they have created after me.

I feel very alone and deprived of friendship. I do not feel close to the people that many do feel close to – say high school friends, university friends, etc. It feels like everywhere I look people have a group in which they belong. I feel like I do not belong anywhere. Why haven’t I made this group? Should I be trying harder? I often feel doomed when I think of this friendship loneliness.

Why can’t I sustain a friendship? Am I too sensitive?

I feel almost doomed to loneliness. Or if not loneliness, inconsistency in connection. But I suppose we are all doomed to loneliness. That is the nature of the human condition. but FUCK.

Maybe I am too entitled for thinking I deserve to have a friendgroup. Maybe I really don’t and that is why I dont have one. Maybe I am doomed to awkwardness. to self consciousness, hyper awareness. i dont know how to have fun. i get defensive. i get prideful. i get ashamed. i get humiliated. around others. i take life too seriously. why would people want to be around me. i feel like i have nothing to offer sometimes. other than my body.