the first 48

Very much like the case of a missing or murdered person, the first 48 hours after an ambiguous one nightstand are critical

I went to go see one of my favourite bands alone this weekend. while i was there i was feeling pretty existentially anxious and absorbed in my own world. i put down my phone and turned to the dude standing next to me, asked him if he was there alone too. without going into too much detail we spent the time at the concert together and i went back to his place.

We were hanging out listening to music, making out. He said we didn’t have to have sex (thanks for your permission!) which it was reassuring cause I didn’t feel pressured. But i wanted to, and so we sloppily fumbled around in the dark.

We fell asleep arguing about the difference between a sentiment and something else that i now forget. I was shittered.

When I awoke (sober), there was that initial anxiety of being with the same person, in the same environment, but now in a very different circumstance. The norms of the situation have changed, We are lost without our guiding north star – fucking. The blueprint is now… what? to make sure the following person is cool so we don’t regret this? to gauge each other’s personalities to see if we are compatible? to see if we want to hang out again? There really is no script for this.

We pillow-talked for a bit. I didn’t feel any crazy chemistry but it was nice. we made out some more. but left on an awkward note. is that a sign? ah.

this dude is the caricature of my type: similar music taste, interesting personality, fckn random ass stick n pokes

And now the first 48 begins. the mystery, the anxiety, the investigation, get your team of girlfriends ready… whats missing? whats been murdered you say? your hope, your worth, peace of mind, now replaced with a looming expectancy.

No one wants to be that “so like what are we?” person. I’m more like “uh so what now?” I guess you could argue it’s the same question. But what now for real! We going to hang out again? For sex? For connection? Both? Never see each other again?

Hookup culture is insane in the sense that there is this fake naturality of it. One of the biggest norms is to be the passive “chill” participant, “down for whatever”, under the guise of business and emotional vacancy. There are some people who can actually compartmentalize intimacy and are thus more suited for this culture. But I am not one of those luckily detached souls.

There is a lot of stigma around having emotions about a stranger fucking you from behind. Having a mere expectancy let alone a sliver of feeling towards the night that happened, is enough to make a person feel temporarily inane.

Hookup culture needs more honesty and respect for intimacy! This can be practiced by not assuming everyone has the same intentions, by having a conversation about what you expect from the person whether it be just sex for the one night, or if you are interested in some potentials.

Yeah these conversations are awkward. But just because they are awkward does that mean they should be avoided? That they aren’t meant to happen? We definitely have a tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings. If a norm is in place to avoid uncomfortableness does that mean it is reasonable? In some situations, but not this one. For one thing, the norm is only there to protect our lil socially anxious selves.

There is not a lot at stake if you are to bring this topic up. Just awkwardness that comes from #1 breaking the norm and #2 getting real with a stranger.

If you are sensitive to these situations like me, do yourself a favour and spare the subsequent investigative ruminations. But maybe i’m too uptopic about all this? Maybe you have to bare the uncomfortableness at first. I think there will always be an uncomfortableness. Honesty can only minimize the following nervousness.

As inquisitive beings, we look for little things that speak to other’s personality as a whole. Thus immediate honesty of our internal desires can be seen as strange and vulnerable. Especially in hookup culture where there is already minimal space to maneuver the self, there is the social threat of being thought of as “clingy”. But fuck it.

Be yourself. emotion does not oppose reason. is this good advice? not sure, all i know is that im replying to this dude’s LATE-ASS, LAME-ASS text with some honest (but casual don’t worry!) shit cause i need to feel better about this.

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2 thoughts on “the first 48

  1. I am a little older than most millenials I’m right there at the older of the generation. I have no issues compartmentalizing. Women are probably the most capable of this due to our inherent need to survive thousands of years ago. Younger guys may act like it does not bother them to casually hook up but they become manipulative&unwarranted hostility. But quite oddly even a basic serious conversation or offer of a drink makes them think that you are sweating them. Umm no. I was going to offer you a bottle of water & send your ass on your way. It’s a fear of intimacy but the desire for it. We all struggle. But you have every right to have a serious adult conversation if you are both engaging in adult activities. There’s plenty of guys out there that are capable of both. It’s best not to get yourself upset. Enjoy the experience you had. A concert you will never forget. But having a 1 night stand/FB/bootycall may not be for you if you are not emotionally prepared.

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    • this guy is also older as well. the thing that bothered me is that while spending the night together, drunk, we had (to my memory) some tender and honest moments, in which we even spoke of our despise of hookup culture and now i feel played as he has been very aloof. i am selective with who i sleep with, i saw potential in him and that was one of the reasons i wanted to go back to his place, maybe i assume i communicated that more clearly than i did while drunk. the morning is just an awkward time forsure. i know i am searching for an emotional bond and not sex! i guess i should be more clear with that.

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